The Balance Between Supporting and Challenging Our Kids

Recent research shows that emotional regulation and resilience depend less on self‑esteem and more on self‑compassion. Yet today’s college students often struggle to cope with setbacks, competition, and the normal ups and downs of life. Dan Jones, past president of the Association for University and College Counseling Center Directors, observed that many students “haven’t developed skills in how to soothe themselves because their parents have solved all their problems.” In short, they lack grit.

Psychologist Peter Gray echoes this concern. He notes that emergency calls to college counseling centers have doubled in five years, and that anxiety and depression rates have soared. He attributes this to a decline in children’s opportunities to play, explore, and solve problems independently. Without those experiences, young people miss the chance to learn that failure is survivable—and that they can recover and adapt.

The data are sobering. A NAMI survey found that 64% of college students who dropped out did so for mental‑health reasons. Anxiety and depression are now the most common diagnoses among college students, and suicide rates among 15‑ to 24‑year‑olds have risen steadily since 2007. The pressure to be perfect—amplified by social media and academic competition—has become a heavy burden.

So how do we help our children avoid this path?

Teaching Self‑Compassion and Growth Mindset

Research suggests that self‑compassion directly supports learning, motivation, and resilience. When children can treat themselves kindly after mistakes, they recover faster and learn more deeply.

Parenting expert Michael Grose warns that praising talent alone fosters a fixed mindset—the belief that success depends on innate ability. Instead, we should praise effort, strategy, and action. Comments like “You worked hard to get that right” or “That was a smart idea to tackle the hardest task first” teach children that success grows from what they do, not who they are.

Building Mental Skills Alongside Performance Skills

As the founder of Performance EmPowering (PEP), I teach college students that mental skills—resilience, perspective, flexibility, stamina—are as vital as technical or academic ones. I’ve seen how restructuring negative thoughts transforms performance anxiety into confidence. When students learn to replace “I’m terrible” with “My breathing has improved” or “I’ve practiced consistently,” they become calmer, more focused, and more capable of bouncing back from disappointment.

Catastrophic thinking is common in both adults and children. Helping students anticipate possible outcomes and focus on process rather than product reduces fear and builds perspective. Mistakes become part of learning, not proof of failure.

Let Them Fall—and Teach Them to Bounce

We live in a demanding, competitive world. Our children need strong, flexible minds to thrive in it. Let’s resist the urge to remove every obstacle. Instead, let’s teach them how to meet challenges, fall freely, and rise again—with compassion, courage, and confidence.

Wilma Wever, Performance EmPowering February 2016